That call at 3 am
A personal note
Sometimes in the dark moments of our lives, especially when grieving a loss, our heart feels quite heavy with emotions. When grief wraps its heavy cloak around us, it’s the smallest gestures of kindness that can lit up the path forward. A few weeks back, my friend found herself deep in loss after her father’s passing. In the quiet of the night, she reached out to me, her voice was with the weight of doubt. She didn’t ask for grand words or sage advice; she simply sought solace, a comforting presence in the lonely hours before dawn. She had her younger brother near by who himself takes brief moments of rest amidst all arrangements for final rites.
She asked me if I can come over in the morning next day....I packed some breakfast for her and went over. I was certainly glad she reached out.
As we spoke, she confided in me, sharing the raw edges of her anguish. The impending cremation while waiting for her elder brother to arrive, the ache of absence, the well-meaning but clumsy words of visitors—each gets augumented to overwhelm her. Yet, in her vulnerability, she revealed a deeper fear: the fear of judgment, of being deemed inadequate in her grief. It's a fear many of us know all too well, the pressure to perform during sorrow in a way that appeases societal expectations.
In that moment, I knew my role was not to offer grand solutions or lofty reassurances, she wanted someone who can just listen to her. I gently probed her thoughts, asking her to unpack the tangled emotions that bound her heart. Together, we started discussing the possibility that her unease stemmed not from a lack of love or respect for her father, but from the suffocating weight of some processes. The expectation that it has to be dealt with in a certain way. I asked her if she had a different plan of action in mind which might ease out the situation. If she so does, she should go ahead and execute it. She hugged and started to weep… and finally said "Mind is blank Anu, I can’t think of anything"
I reminded her of her inherent strength, the resilience woven into her that i have witnessed many a time...when her kid met with an accident, when she lost her mom two years back, when she lost her job suddenly, when she decided to relocate to bangalore again.... I assured her that her presence, her very existence in this tumultuous time, was in itself a testament to her love and devotion to life…there couldn’t have been a betterway to handle them all. And as we counted down the days until the rituals of mourning would fade into memory, I asked her if as a silent by stander who would turn up everyday at a particular time till the rituals are over, if i can be a steady beacon of support in this as a reminder.
In the end, it wasn’t grand gestures or eloquent speeches that eased her burden—it was the simple act of being seen and heard, of having her pain acknowledged. In a world that often rushes past the nuances of grief, let us remember the power of presence, the healing balm of empathy. Sometimes, amidst the chaos of loss, all we need is someone to remind us that we are not alone. The power and resilience is inherent in a lot of us. That slight nudge to be reminded about the same is what is required...as we spoke about everything I saw a relative who walked in and told her " amma Kandha , idhu Ella aadha mele, aunty manege ba….yavag beko bandhu tea kapi kudidhubittu hogu…obbale koothkondu yochane maadbeda “(after all this is over, come to aunty’s house for tea coffee when you feel like..dont sit alone and think about anything) ..my eyes got moist when I heard her say so. My friend already felt better, she turned towards me and gave a brief smile. By her father’s blessings she sailed through the initial 13 days phase already. Praying 🙏 for her mental peace in the coming days too.
P.S: Please don't beat yourself up on how you should grieve. No one gets to decide how much crying is enough or how much crying is too much. But yes, one steering point could be your own health while you grieve. Please take care.
Update edit 1: we had a breakdown incident today…was just there to see the weeping and crying…I am so proud of her…these are my life lessons right there just by witnessing it…I find her to be so brave and awesome….thankful and grateful to God to have made me as the available one at the right place and at the right time…prayers for the required healing…better days ahead.
Update edit 2:
My friend has planned to create an endowment scholarship in Honor of her parents. Everyday, she is growing in stature 😇 and I am so proud of her. What better way can there be to pay tribute to parents? 🙏
Update edit 3:
I just started writing about the whole incident for my reference without letting my friend know 🤦🏻♀️🫣.. it just did not occur to me. Thankfully now she knows and as I have kept it as an abstract story, she is fine with it. And I have been instructed that I cannot detail on her further actions with regard to her grievance which is duly respected. 🙏😇…no further updates in this post anymore …you all have a wonderful day 😊💖
